What do you get for your favorite cave dwelling lunatic for Christmas?

Anything that will make him miserable, and we have a whole catalog of things that will get the job done, and get it done right.

First on your list should be anything that gives Osama the voltage that he misses by living in a cave almost year round. I prefer giving high voltage at Christmas time, what with all the lights and such. Now wouldn't that be something; a stun gun that gives more voltage, and also lights up Osama and Al Zawhiri as a bonus. Say every other hair on their chinny chin chins.

Then, as a second option, a little Wildfire pepper spray delivered where the moon don't shine. Say every half hour or so over the course of the week long festivities. I'll have to consult the Nanny Pelosi Manual on torture here to see whether or not this is acceptable behavior.

Since I'm old school ,my personal preference would be the telescopic steel baton, applied to his bones as delicately as possible. A couple of gentle taps here and there with the ole baton would be almost as good as a deep tissue massage, and wouldn't take nearly as long. Plus, one of these old fashioned relaxation sessions only has to be done once in a blue moon for it to be effective.

I'm telling you, it can be really tough outfitting your favorite terrorist during the holidays, but we're really making an extra effort this year. We have the new Pretender Cell Phone Stun Gun, and the Mace Pepper Gun, both of which would do a stellar holiday job on Ho Ho Sama. And nothing in the manual says you can't use both of them at the same time.

Just make sure you're not in the cave when you try that. Backdraft and all that.

Michael Gravette